Here for YOU!

Sometimes every one of us feels
Like we’ll never be healed
Sometimes
Sometimes every one of us aches
Like we’ll never be saved
Sometimes


When we’ve given up
Let Your healing come
When there’s nothing left
Let Your healing come
‘Til we’re rising up
Let Your healing come
Where You go, we will follow
Where You go, we will follow


It’s Your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You, we’re lost in You
It’s Your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You, we’re lost in You
Sometimes


Sometimes
It’s like we’ll never atone
For all the love we’ve known
Sometimes
Like in a smile or a song
When you feel it come
And that feeling’s gone
It flies


When we’ve given up
Let Your healing come
When there’s nothing left
Let Your healing come
Feel it rising up
Let Your healing come
Where You go, we will follow
Where You go, we will follow


It’s Your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You
We’re lost in You
It’s Your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You
We’re lost in You
It’s Your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
Don’t be afraid
Don’t be afraid
Just set your sail


And risk the ocean there’s only grace
Let’s risk the ocean there’s only grace
Let’s risk the ocean there’s only grace
Let’s risk the ocean there’s only grace


- "Sometimes" by David Crowder


Today, I bought the Passion 2011 CD. Oh, my gosh.. Every song hit me and brought a new truth to my life. I've had surgery. Thursday, I had my gallbladder taken out because it was ineffective and was causing me harm and illness. Since Thursday I've been selfish and undeserving of help. Every day that passed by, I was angry because someone didn't come see me, and I wasn't getting the attention I thought I deserved. I kept thinking,


"I DESERVE TO BE VISITED AND SHOWERED WITH ATTENTION. I DO EVERYTHING FOR THESE PEOPLE. THEY COULD AT LEAST VISIT ME." 


The beauty in my selfish attitude was that God was showering me with His attention and His love. He was healing me despite my haughty attitude. I was so upset that my own father refused to come visit me, because he was the one person I wanted to be with me. The even more beautiful yet vitalizing truth is this, and I've said it before:


Even though I don't have a perfect father on Earth, I have a perfect father in Heaven who didn't just visit me after my surgery, but held my head in His lap during my surgery and carried me out of the operating room and into my bed that night. He is my dad. The King of Heaven is MY DAD! And He loves me and wants me to have the life I never thought I could have. He WANTS me to have the happiness I DON'T deserve. I am so undeserving, and He gives. And gives. And gives.


Let me be honest and completely thorough for a moment:


Without the grace of God in my heart, I would never:
1)  have realized my true beauty in Christ. I would have literally died from not eating and doing drugs of all natures. I probably would have died in in-patient rehab for anorexia. By the grace of God, I was saved from myself. 


2) i would never have realized my true beauty in Christ (again), but this time in a more complete and thorough way than ever before. I would have let whom I thought to be the "perfect man" continue to verbally abuse and control me, and continue to rape me. God saved me from him and purified my heart because Lord knows I needed it.


3) I would never have completely purified my heart from alcohol, sex, and drugs. Up until recently, I have been addicted to these things and have been absolutely, beyond the shadow of a doubt, destroying my body and my heart because I thought, "it's MY life. I can do what I want." 

4) I would never have had the strength to see and let the love of my life walk way from me to fulfill his own life desires. Without God's never ending, unfailing, love I would never have been able to run to my Father and with open arms like a kid whose been hurt on the playground.

5) Without the love and strength of Almighty God, I never would have applied to Toccoa Falls College, where I got a $4,000 scholarship to be a Biology/Pre-Med major and finally fulfill my calling to be a MD. This also means I never would have received God's calling into my  life to become an Oncologist and cure cancer one day. 


So what does this:

and finally this!

MEAN?!?

It means that through all of that, God is still on the throne of Heaven and in my heart walking with me day. after. day. I'm blessed. You are blessed. BE BLESSED!

"And where You are, Lord I am free. Holiness, is Christ in me. Lord, I need You. Oh, I need You. Every hour I need You. My one defense, my righteousness! Oh God, how I need You." 

"Waiting here for You, with our hands lifted high in praise. And it's You we adore, singing Alleluia!"

I want more.

Gosh.. So I realize it's been an awfully long time since I've updated. I'm terribly sorry about that.. Lately I have just been so in awe and in love with the Creator. Although my walk with the Lord has not been easy, it has absolutely been worthwhile and so fulfilling. All this leads me to..

I WANT MORE.


I want more. I NEED more of Jesus. I want to run and never stop trusting in Jesus that He'll carry me through this life I've been given. I want to lead more people than I ever thought I could ever lead to know the Creator of the Universe. I want to love people so deeply that it takes more than just my heart to love these people. I want to draw so close to God that He radiates through my heart brighter than the sun. I want to be so excited about Jesus that it takes all the effort inside of me not to proclaim His holy name!

What a joy, what a peace! God, you are so awesome.

My desire is to start a ministry, an organization, a movement. I want the whole, wide, world that God holds in His hands to know that Jesus loves them so much more than they can fathom. I want to Jesus to reach through my heart and grab other people's hearts and just break the life out of them, just like He did with my heart.

I want it to hurt. I want God to constantly break my heart for what breaks His. Because if I'm constantly hurting, I'm constantly helping by loving deeper and deeper everyday. I want to reach out to those whom are so deeply burdened and just encourage them that the Creator of the Universe holds their burdens so tightly in His hands and that all they have to do is trust Him.

I want to change the world.

I WANT MORE.


So will you pray for me? Pray that God works and moves in my life and opens so many doors to making His name famous through me? Will you pray that I will do my part in serving the God of Heaven so that in all I do his name will reign?

Will you pray for me??

Psalm 34

I will extol the LORD at all times; 
       his praise will always be on my lips.

 ² My soul will boast in the LORD;
       let the afflicted hear and rejoice.

 ³ Glorify the LORD with me;
       let us exalt his name together.

 ⁴ I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
       he delivered me from all my fears.

 ⁵ Those who look to him are radiant;
       their faces are never covered with shame.

 ⁶ This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;
       he saved him out of all his troubles.

 ⁷ The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,
       and he delivers them.

 ⁸ Taste and see that the LORD is good;
       blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.

 ⁹ Fear the LORD, you his saints,
       for those who fear him lack nothing.

 ¹⁰ The lions may grow weak and hungry,
       but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.

 ¹¹ Come, my children, listen to me;
       I will teach you the fear of the LORD.

 ¹² Whoever of you loves life
       and desires to see many good days,

 ¹³ keep your tongue from evil
       and your lips from speaking lies.

 ¹⁴ Turn from evil and do good;
       seek peace and pursue it.

 ¹⁵ The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous
       and his ears are attentive to their cry;

 ¹⁶ the face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
       to cut off the memory of them from the earth.

 ¹⁷ The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
       he delivers them from all their troubles.

 ¹⁸ The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
       and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

 ¹⁹ A righteous man may have many troubles,
       but the LORD delivers him from them all;

 ²⁰ he protects all his bones,
       not one of them will be broken.

 ²¹ Evil will slay the wicked;
       the foes of the righteous will be condemned.

 ²² The LORD redeems his servants;
       no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him

Lately, I've been so lonely and feeling so alone. I feel like I don't have any true friends in the world. You know the friends I mean, the ones that are always there for you no matter what; not just the ones who contact you when they need something. We all can be like the second type of people I mentioned -- putting people on the back burner until we need something, then all of a sudden we're best buds with them again.

I am in need and in search of a much deeper relationship than that. Just like it is with our friends, so it is with God. We put God on the back burner until we really need Him then all of a sudden we're best friends with God again. Wouldn't it be nice if we had true, genuine friendships with each other AND God?? There definitely would be a decrease in the loneliness category! 

This Psalm above encourages me so much in the fact that the Lord hears me when I cry out to Him, unlike other people who don't. The Lord keeps me in His arms and makes sure I am safe, never broken -- unlike most people who don't. 

The best thing, I think, one can do is to pray for those who have hurt us. Last night I sat so broken in my bed and just prayed to God that He would have mercy on those who hurt me..that He would forgive them because they didn't know they hurt me so badly. Would I tell them how they hurt me? No, I don't think that getting their ear to tell them such news would justify or glorify anything. The only feeling I'd get is one of vengeance and that is never acceptable. 

I just pray that God sends me someone, anyone, to me who cares for me as much as I care for them. I'm not talking about a marriage perspective, but rather a friendship perspective. God knows my future husband and made him with me in mind, so I'm not worried about that part of my life, necessarily. I just want friends.

But think about how God must feel! He created and loved us all! He knitted us together before we were born knowing what we would be good at, how we would glorify him, and who we would marry -- and he gets back burner friends, too. How sad is that, that we can't even acknowledge our Creator? As you go about your day, think about how your relationships affect not only your life but others lives as well. Think about the expectations God has for your relationship with Him and apply that to your relationship with other people. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Just something to think about.

A month not wasted

Gosh this past month has been an absolute joy in both the good experiences and the bad. From being ridden with disease, to sharing a part of my heart with the Redmans, it's all been an experience of a lifetime.

During the first of the month, I tested positive for the Rheumatoid Arthritis factor. I was sent to a Rheumatologist where I had blood work and a chest wall x-ray done. After the chest wall x-ray two weeks later came the x ray of my entire body. At this point, they were examining for Lupus because I tested positive for the Lupus factor, and cancers, too.  We then get the news that all of my test results had came back negative. After having all of my friends, family, and church praying that God would provide -- He did. He healed me to the utmost and took all of the sickness away. I did have a follow-up MRI on my hip because it looks abnormal. And, of course, my doctor still wants me on my medication because he deems it safest for my body currently. And yes, while I am ridden of the disease and though I am only about 80% better, in God's eyes, I'm 100% better because God never does anything halfway. And yes while I could relapse and have my immune system haunted again, I'm trusting that God is the ultimate healer and I am not afraid to die because I"m gaining a lifetime with my Jesus.

Next, I sort of met someone. As exciting as it is, my heart is still guarded as it should be because I know what's meant to be will be anyway. So in the future if nothing results from anything, I can at least have a new friendship in my life because we could all use more friendships.

Tonight, I went to Passion City Church where I was overcome with the greatness of the Almighty living God. As Louie spoke, he spoke about lifting our hands and surrender. I realized more than ever that I am not bound by anything, not even disease nor death, because Jesus has conquered them both and will hold me victorious with Him...And when I go to be with Him we will reign forever. Isn't that AWESOME?!


After the church service, I had the privilege of meeting Beth Redman. What a sweet lady she is. Praise God for her. She and Matt (whom I got my cd autographed by tonight, also) are such blessings and their ministry touches millions of lives, especially my own. I continued to tell Beth how I sang the song they wrote together, "You Alone Can Rescue" over and over everyday like it was an anthem to my heart because of the truth the lyrics hold. No matter where I am or what I'm going through God is God. He is, He was, He always will be. It's as simple as that.

Who, oh Lord, could save themselves, 
Their own soul could heal? 
Our shame was deeper than the sea 
Your grace is deeper still 

Who, oh Lord, could save themselves, 
Their own soul could heal? 
Our shame was deeper than the sea 
Your grace is deeper still 

You alone can rescue, You alone can save 
You alone can lift us from the grave 
You came down to find us, led us out of death 
To You alone belongs the highest praise 

You, oh Lord, have made a way 
The great divide You heal 
For when our hearts were far away 
Your love went further still 
Yes, your love goes further still 

You alone can rescue, You alone can save 
You alone can lift us from the grave 
You came down to find us, led us out of death 
To You alone belongs the highest praise 
To You alone belongs the highest praise
To You alone belongs the highest praise

You alone

We lift up our eyes, lift up our eyes 
You’re the Giver of Life 
We lift up our eyes, lift up our eyes 
You’re the Giver of Life 
We lift up our eyes, lift up our eyes 
You’re the Giver of Life 
We lift up our eyes, lift up our eyes 
You’re the Giver of Life 
We lift up our eyes, lift up our eyes 
You’re the Giver of Life 
We lift up our eyes, lift up our eyes 
You’re the Giver of Life 
We lift up our eyes, lift up our eyes 
You’re the Giver of Life 
We lift up our eyes, lift up our eyes 
You’re the Giver of Life 

You alone can rescue, You alone can save 
You alone can lift us from the grave 
You came down to find us, led us out of death 
To You alone belongs the highest praise 
To You alone belongs the highest praise
To You alone belongs the highest praise

To You alone

Purposes.

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:37-39)

Recently, I've been struggling with the concept of friendship and what it means. For weeks I have been wondering what exactly is wrong with me that can cause people to turn away from me. I still have not figured it out. In the midst of this constant worry, my relationship with the Lord was estranged. I feel spiritually tired. I feel like that nothing I can do will help. Nothing that I do will fix my personality, fix my relationship with the Lord, fix my life, fix me. Well, according to the Bible, that is exactly right. That's exactly how we should feel.

This morning I was dwelling on my feelings and wonders, and I also was reading past blogs that I have written. Honestly, it's really mind boggling how your own works can inspire you later on. That's why I love literature. I read about what Louie Giglio said to us on Good Friday about the "do" path and the "done" path. 

The "do" path is all about what I can do to get back with God, what I can do to fix everything, what I can do...do...do." The "do" path is overwhelming. It is an impossible path to follow, and yet every Christian in the world follows it. Everybody is worried about what THEY can do to please God, what THEY can do to get ahead, what THEY can do..do..do.

GOD DOESN'T DESIRE OUR ACTIONS!

He desires our heart. God desires our FAITH more than our actions. For we cannot get to Heaven by works.  

But we are all as an unclean [thing], and all our righteousnesses [are] as filthy rags; and we all do fade as a leaf; and our iniquities, like the wind, have taken us away. 

- (Isaiah 64:6)

According to the Bible, we are saved by God's grace, not works. We cannot work our way into Heaven. We cannot work our way to being loved by God. God's love is not conditional like the people on earth's love might be. Therefore, the "do" path only leads to destruction. Legalism falls under the "do" path. The life of the Pharisees which were strictly by following the laws so that they might get into Heaven were corrupt by do...do...do. So are we.

The "done" path is the path God has already paved for us by sending Christ for us to die for our sins. Remember, love came down and justice died. No matter what we do..do...do -- we cannot EVER do enough to earn anything from God. God freely gives to us. Therefore there should be no reason in the world why we should dwell on what we have done or will do because it has already been done for us.

So what does all this come down to? What is our purpose? What is my purpose? 
A few days ago, I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. As shocking as this diagnosis was, it was more relieving because the doctors finally found out why I have been sick for a year. Recently, I have been so caught up in never being able to "live a normal life" because of finances, school, personal reasons, or what have you. I just couldn't figure out what purpose my life held. I got that God made me for a purpose, but what exactly was it?


Maybe my purpose IS to be sick, to simply have an underdeveloped immune system. Maybe my diagnosis is a blessing, an encouragement to someone else. I know that sounds so cliche. Simply, God knows who needs his love. God knows the people who need to hear about God's grace, His love for them, and the only way to get to Heaven. I, like anyone else, have been given the responsibility by the Lord to reach the broken and confused because it says so in the Bible. And I, like everyone else, has friends whose lives are lost. I have friends who wouldn't know God's grace from just sheer luck. Maybe my purpose in life IS to reach those people... But how? Not by the "do" path, but by the "done" path. Not by my works, what I can do, but what God can do through me. How? By love. 


God, show me how to love these people.
show me how to be a light that reaches far beyond the darkness of any pit that Satan could have on these people.
show me the way to love them, encourage them, and pray for them.
break my heart.
allow me to know that no matter what I could ever do, it will never be good enough because You don't desire doing. You desire believing, and knowing above all else.
I know that I know that I know that You died for me, that You love me, and that You save me daily.
Allow me to show these people exactly that. 
Allow me to be different. 
Make my life stand out from the world so that they may see that my life is not mine but Yours.


This is my purpose.

Leeland - Learn To Love (HQ)

Dear John,

I wanted a blog that didn't just go into depth about how awesome God is; because God is inevitably awesome. I wanted something more...Creative. I wanted to write something so surreal, so finite. So, here, is something I would say to my role model, John Lennon:

Dear John,

What can I say? You're a legacy. You know this, of course. I do not need to tell you of your worth. You wrote songs with such ease and imagery that even the poets and philosophers of the ancient of days can not compare. Not just your songs, but your lifestyle is truly inspiring.

Your beliefs about life, wealth, and God are fascinating in every conceivable sense. I only wish to live such an anecdote that I may inspire people as you have inspired me. "Imagine all the people living life in peace," is such a legacy that will remain pure and fruitful. I wish so badly that you could see the world, as it is today. Granted I'm positive you would not be happy with what you saw. However, if you were to live amongst us, you would indefinitely change the world furthermore than you already have, sir.

Oh, why did life have to be taken from you so quickly? Whomever could ever hate you? Whomever could hate anyone so much as to take their lives from them? In such ripe timing, too! The epitome of your fame was rising. What a life you would have, still if you were here, still.

I only seek the answer to this one question: how under Heaven did you get such inspiration for such epic songs? Could you possibly teach me how to write from the heart? I long to feel such deep emotion as to change the world one day.

I know you are up in Heaven, dear John, playing and giving peace a chance like you would hear on Earth. Furthermore, you are probably sitting in your Strawberry Fields Forever, witnessing A Day in the Life. 

Peace to you, my good friend. Thank you for your heart and inspiration. All my love to you, my fellow advocate for justice and mercy.

- Christen